How it happened...part 1

No, this will not be about any birds or bees so don't worry. I've been encouraged by many to blog this story, and I'd like to for my own sake also to remember the faithfulness of the Lord as well as the hilariousness of it all.

Most of you know that Cory lost his job back in February on the day that we were closing on "our house". Grief became such a close companion during that time. I wanted to blog even then about every emotion and prayer and surrender that was happening but I felt overwhelmed to write. I feel strongly about writing about what the Lord very lovingly, but fiercely taught me during that time. That will have to be for another post though :). 

Because we were about to close on the house, we had already put in our notice at our apartment which meant that we had nowhere to go. I was about to start my new job nannying the very next week and Cory was unemployed so there was no apartment complex that would even approve us. We asked our families, friends, and church family to pray for us. A family from our church opened up their home for us to live with them for several months. During this time, I started my new job as Cory searched for a new one. I started nannying for a family with 3 kids and we lived with a family with 3 kids. Of all the times that birth control would be on my mind, it wasn't. The Lord was doing a great work in my heart to prepare me. I had continuously felt a strong direction from God that it was time to start a family. "Really? We have no job, no money, no house, and no real stability. Am I making this up or is this from You?" From the world's standards, we would be outside of our minds to bring a child into the world but the sweet peace came in Him reminding me that it would be all Him for His glory and His purpose...not my own. 

So with that, I continued surrendering it back to Him whenever I thought of it and prayed for it. I didn't talk to Cory about it. There have been times in the past where we have both said out of emotions and baby fever, "We want a baby!" I didn't want to go to Cory with this notion of "baby fever" and attempt to convince him that it's time. So, I prayed for him...and I waited. I prayed that whenever the time was right that God would strongly lead Cory in that. A few months went by and then one Sunday afternoon, we ordered pizza, went to the park, and were throwing a frisbee in the shade. There are some times in life that I can look back and so distinctly remember every detail about it because of the power of the presence of the Holy Spirit in that moment. This was one of these times. I had been faithfully praying for my husband, for my heart to surrender and be patient, and for the Lord to reveal Himself to us in a greater way. We were talking about many random things that then led into serious talk all while the frisbee is still going. Cory then said, "I know this may sound crazy because I don't have a job and because of all that's happening, but I've been praying about it a lot and really feel like it's time to start a family." 

I was in shock.... Why? For some reason it surprised me that God was faithful in that. Of course His faithfulness would abound. That is His character. I rejoiced so greatly in that moment as we did together while I shared with him my heart on it. Two days later, he got the job at Schneider Electric! We had a few months of negative pregnancy tests later seeing His provision and protection in those. 

The first month, I would not have been covered on insurance yet and it would have counted as a "pre-existing condition". The second month, I had oral surgery and needed anesthesia which apparently you cannot have if you are pregnant and believe me, for this surgery, I did NOT want to be awake. I had a random tooth coming out in the roof of my mouth that they removed along with my wisdom teeth. Crazy I know. I praise the Lord for allowing me to not be pregnant in that moment...put me out!

A few weeks after the surgery, I was able to go on a retreat with people that I serve with at church. It was a sweet time with friends and especially hearing from the Lord. It was another time where I can remember every detail of those moments that led me to the point of surrender. I was really struggling to believe that God is good. I didn't even realize that I had been. When Cory lost his job, I knew that God was a faithful God, but looking back, I struggled deeply and still was struggling to BELIEVE that He is a good God and He is for us, for me. I thought surely He will provide but this is just like God to take away something to teach me a lesson. At this retreat, He gently but ferociously revealed His goodness to me and gave me the faith to believe and rest in it!

My righteousness and obedience is not what saves me and justifies me before the throne above. Jesus Christ paid the price on the cross for me already. I don't have to do anything to please God in order for Him to like me more. He is pleased. He looks at me and calls me "daughter". He sees me as spotless, blameless. With a God like that whose faithfulness in delivering a broken world by sending a Savior to us and fulfilling that promise, I don't have to earn His favor. He is FOR me. I'm not talking prosperity gospel here but I am saying that resting completely in knowing that whatever has happened to me, whatever will happen to me, it has ALL come through His hands and been allowed by Him. He is not surprised. He cares for me and wants me to know Him more intimately. That is why He allows things. He has the ultimate power to stop or allow anything because He's God and He is good. He gives and takes away. Blessed be His name! 

I love the line in the song that says, 

"Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say, 'It is well. It is well with my soul.'" 

Resting in His goodness and having the ability to see it came right here in this moment as I journaled and prayed for hours. I found this cozy spot on this lovely red swing as a storm had just come through. It was June but the wind was blowing, and it was a breezy few hours I spent out there. 

I serve in Little Village at church. I teach 3 year olds a story from the Bible each weekend. The point is not for them to leave with knowing every detail of the story but to be able to grab hold of a foundational truth that is so etched in their minds as we pray that the Holy Spirit writes it on their hearts. Every story we tell, there is one foundational truth that it comes back to. Our foundational truths are:

God is in charge of everything
God made everything
God wants to talk with us
Jesus came to save sinners
and... God is good.

So, as I'm at retreat, I also had been preparing to teach for the weekend. Guess which foundational truth I was teaching to 3 year olds?! God is good. I told them the parable in Matthew 13 about the treasure hidden in a field. ‎"The kingdom of heaven is like TREASURE hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his JOY he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field." Matthew 13:44. 

I journaled about many treasures that I was being asked to surrender not for God to steal my joy but ultimately, to bring me the greatest joy in Him. He is the sweetest treasure. I want to treasure Him and His kingdom above all else.
I really wanted to be a mother. He had already purposed a desire in my heart and in Cory's heart and so why hadn't it happened yet? Conviction led to repentance, which led to a sweet surrender. I cried as I wrote these words but sincerely meant them, "If I'm never able to be a mom or own a home or be overseas as a missionary or work in a children's ministry, you are enough and you are good. I have all I need in You." I have desires and passions that are so deep within my heart that I so badly want but giving those dreams to Him knowing that I can TRUST Him for His goodness was so freeing!

So, this brings us to the third month which was a few weeks after retreat. Well, the third month we were in Louisiana for my niece's first birthday party. I had the week off while the family I work for went to the beach. I stayed until Wednesday of that week in Louisiana to visit with a few friends and family and Cory went back that Sunday. Oh and by the way, all this time, I had stopped drinking diet coke and started eating super healthy. That Wednesday, I woke up and felt it. Girls, you know what I'm talking about. The feeling the day before you start. Blehhh. I texted Cory and told him, "I'm 100% sure we are not pregnant. I'll be starting tomorrow." 

So with that, on my way home I drank 3 diet cokes and had like 2 or 3 cups of coffee that day. No big deal. I'm not pregnant and I needed caffeine to stay awake on the drive back alone. I came home, had dinner with Cory, and then went to the bathroom to take the test. Just for fun and because we had one. I thought, "Why not? I have one left. I might as well." Took it and remember saying out loud, "You are good" believing in that moment that positive or negative, He is a good God no matter what. I had already come to grips with not being pregnant that month. 

Well, it was + ! I ran out and screeched it to Cory! I didn't do anything to deserve it. It was just His timing and all a part of His plan that we cannot even begin to understand the depth of. I was speechless and so humbled that He would consider us worthy to be parents. Then, I didn't believe it so we went to Walmart and bought more pregnancy tests. Two tests later, we were sure! 

You will have to read part 2 to find out the story about my first appointment. It's kind of epic...in a terrible way. :)